I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
