My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
