I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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