y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
