My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
