There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
