I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
