Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
