I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
