During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
