I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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