I'm eating all of the evidence.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
