At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
