I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
