Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize