This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
