I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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