we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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