just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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