i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Randomize
