you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
