If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
