It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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