She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼‍♀️
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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