Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
