My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
did i walk over a car last night?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize