What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
