you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I checked into jail on foursquare
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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