So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Just puked most of my soul out..
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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