i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
