gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Randomize
