I feel like abortions should bother me more
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
