Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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