i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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