i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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