I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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