I think im going to throw up on grandma
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
