I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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