After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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