I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
