I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
