I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
