i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
