so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
