are you still at the devil's house?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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