is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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