So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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