What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
