The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
