Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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