i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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