I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
