one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
