I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Randomize
