An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
