Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize