You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
