Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Barsexuality is the new black.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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