dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
