Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
