Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Randomize
