I just saw a hot homeless man
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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