proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
false alarm. still invincible.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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