My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
