it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
