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chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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