Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
