sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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