I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
