I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
