put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
