do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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