when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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