Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
