On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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