I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
