I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
